Waltzing Murgatroyds
As performed by Robin Adams after the performance of Ruddigore
at Buxton in 2005.
Once an evil Baron, name of Rupert Murgatroyd,
Never could suffer a witch to go free.
If you ask why he bore such a grudge against the Wiccan kind:
"You put the warts on my tiddler," said he.
"Warts on my tiddler,
Warts on my tiddler,
You put the warts on my tiddler," said he.
Every Wiccan was his victim, for the Baron had this grudge to bear:
"You put the warts on my tiddler," said he.
Centuries have passed, but still the family Murgatroyd
Live in their castle not far from the sea,
And they're feared far and wide, for this curse has passed from dad to son:
A crime they do once every full day or die.
Once in a full day,
Once in a full day,
A crime they do once in a full day or die.
Not one baronet has been barren yet, so this curse has passed from dad to
son:
A crime they do once every full day or die.
List now to the tale of the young Sir Ruthven Murgatroyd,
Fleeing for his soul though not ten years he's seen.
Now a farmyard's his world, and all day long for Rose he pines,
Wanting to feel her heart is given to him.
Wanting to feel her,
Wanting to feel her,
Wanting to feel her heart is given to him;
Her heart, and her hand, and her soul, and her billabong;
Wanting to feel her heart is given to him.
His history's a secret - no-one knows he's Murgatroyd
But Adam and Richard, in whom he now confides.
"Well, wait right there, friend; I'll speak the lass on your behalf -
You'll just be watching me fill her with glee!
"Watching me fill her,
Watching me fill her,
You'll just be watching me fill her with glee!
Never fret, you will get your grubby hands upon that tight li'l craft.
You'll just be watching me fill her with glee."
Enter on this scene the most hated Despard Murgatroyd,
And the soldiers to a tune which we nicked from somewhere else.
Richard Dauntless draws near, come to tell him that his brother lives:
Watch him bewilder the Bart with the news.
Watch him bewilder,
Watch him bewilder,
Watch him bewilder the Bart with the news.
Despard grins, for he begins to see his brother's just been screwed by
Dick.
Watch him bewilder the Bart with the news.
Rose and Dick are lovers, Mad Meg's now Margaret Murgatroyd,
Everyone's happy but Ruthven, it seems -
For the ghosts leave their frames; Ruthven gasps; "It's a dream," he says,
"Brought on by what's in my dinner, you see.
"What's in my dinner,
What's in my dinner,
What's in my dinner is causing this dream.
I eat cheese, I feel ill, I see ghosts, and the night wind howls.
What's in my dinner is causing this dream.
"Gaunt vision, who art thou?" "I'm the late Sir Roderic Murgatroyd,
Come here to tell that you can't flee your fate!"
"Well, what would you have? I've been Bad Bart for but one week,
And one thing of ill blood I've done on each date.
"One thing of ill blood,
One thing of ill blood,
One thing of ill blood I've done on each date.
(If I sit here quite tight, then they'll never see my fallacy!)
One thing of ill blood I've done on each date."
At the last, back to life spring all the painted Murgatroyds,
Rose marries Ruthven, the witch melts away;
And now your poet, just like Gilbert, couldn't be bothered to write a
proper ending.
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