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The Reduced Gilbert and Sullivan Society
Written and led by Robin Adams; performed with
Frankie Still, Mia Violentano and John Guelke, with
Adam McNeeney as the orchestra. This was Robin's last cabaret
as a member of MUGSS.
[SOPRANO, ALTO, TENOR and BARITONE are standing, in formal dress,
in front of a table on which is a row of 13 black binders, each of
which has a title in gold on its spine. In order, these are:
RUDDIGORE, SORCERER, PRINCESS IDA, GONDOLIERS, MIKADO, HMS PINAFORE,
TRIAL BY JURY, PIRATES OF PENZANCE, GRAND DUKE, IOLANTHE, PATIENCE,
YEOMEN OF THE GUARD, UTOPIA LTD.
The REDUCED PHILHARMONIC ORCHESTRA is sitting at his keyboard.]
TENOR: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. We are the Reduced
Gilbert and Sullivan Society, or RGSS [pronounced like a Wookiee
noise.]
B, A & S: [enjoying the sound] RGSS... RGSS...
TENOR: We understand that certain lesser Gilbert and Sullivan
societies would take a year to perform any of these shows, but you
once pushed yourselves and managed to perform two in an evening.
Well, we are here tonight to perform all 13 operas in five minutes,
including: Utopia!
[TENOR flourishes the Utopia binder while ORCHESTRA plays heavenly,
angelic chords.]
We shall be accompanied on this record-breaking endeavour by the
Reduced Philharmonic Orchestra.
[ORCHESTRA stands up and bows.]
He shall also be keeping the time, and will blow his whistle when the
five minutes are up. We shall begin [taking and opening the first
binder] with Ruddigore. I shall be playing Sir Ruthven Murgatroyd,
Frankie here shall be Rose Maybud, Mia shall be Dame Hannah, and John
shall be playing Richard Dauntless.
[BARITONE begins hornpiping madly.]
Not yet, please, John. If you are ready, Adam? [ORCHESTRA readies
stopwatch] Then we present: Ruddigore in one minute!
-----------------------
ALL: THE FILM
[The four clutch their throats and fall to the ground, one by one.]
[They stand up again]
ALL: ACT ONE
ALL: Hannah, get married!
HANNAH: Fu*k off!
Rose, get married!
ROSE: Fu*k off!
RUTHVEN: Rose?
ROSE: What?
RUTHVEN: Nothing.
RICHARD: Ruthven...
RUTHVEN: Ssssh!
RICHARD: Sorry! Robin, get married!
RUTHVEN: Can't, shy.
RICHARD: Watch me!
Rose, get married!
ROSE: [falling upon Richard] Yes, yes, yes, oh, God, yes!
RUTHVEN: Richard...
RICHARD: Fu*k off!
MARGARET: Wibble, burble, burble!
Rose, don't marry Despard!
ROSE: Who?
MARGARET: Him!
DESPARD: Raaaah!
ALL: Eeek! [Run away.]
DESPARD: D'oh!
RICHARD: Ruthven's alive!
DESPARD: w00t!
ROSE AND RUTHVEN: La la la la la, lovely day for a wedding...
DESPARD: He's my brother!
RUTHVEN: Rose...
ROSE: Fu*k off, I'm marrying Despard!
DESPARD: Fu*k off, I'm marrying Margaret!
MARGARET: Get in!
ROSE: [to RICHARD] You'll do.
RICHARD: Get in!
RUTHVEN: Bollocks to the lot of you!
[They start to do the dance from the end of Act One.]
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BARITONE: Hold it, hold it! We've forgotten the most important part!
TENOR: What?
BARITONE: The hornpipe!
[ORCHESTRA obligingly begins to play the hornpipe, and BARITONE starts hornpiping.]
TENOR: Stop, stop! We don't have time for the hornpipe.
We're just going to have to cut it out.
BARITONE: No hornpipe?
TENOR: No hornpipe!
BARITONE: There's plenty of time!
TENOR: Plenty of time?! We've got to... alright, if you can
get through the next four operas in thirty seconds, then we'll do the
hornpipe.
BARITONE: Thirty seconds?
[BARITONE, ALTO and SOPRANO confer among themselves.]
BARITONE: Alright, then! Ladies and gentlemen, we present: Four
operas in 30 seconds!
[ALTO takes the Sorcerer binder]
B, A & S: SORCERER
ALTO: My name is Jane Wellington Wells...
[BARITONE throws a wool rug over himself and crawls across the floor
on all fours, baa-ing.]
SOPRANO: Rain trough! [empties a glass of water over TENOR.]
B, A & S: GONDOLIERS
SOPRANO: Go on, then.
BARITONE: What?
SOPRANO: Do it.
BARITONE: Do what?
SOPRANO: Do it.
BARITONE: No, I don't want to.
SOPRANO: Take your clothes off.
BARITONE: I'm not taking my clothes off!
SOPRANO: [beginning to wrestle with his clothes]
Take your clothes off!
ALTO: [runs past holding a toy helicopter] MIKADO!
Chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga!
SOPRANO: And finally ... [rips BARITONE's trousers off to reveal him wearing tights] PRINCESS IDA!
[S, A & B are out of breath by now.]
BARITONE: Well, how was that? Do we get to do the hornpipe now?
TENOR: What on Earth was that?! That was pathetic! No, you
certainly do not! We've got to get on. Let's get back to Ruddigore.
And concentrate this time!
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ALL: RUDDIGORE ACT TWO
ROSE: Here I am on my wedding day
But where my true love is, I cannot say!
Be he in the sky, or be he on the sea?
Oh, where, oh, where can my true love Richard be?
[Sound of a toilet flushing and RICHARD enters with a rolled-up Sunday
Sport under his arm.]
RICHARD: Alright, love? I was just having a dump. We can go
and get married now.
RUTHVEN: Hate being a bad baronet.
GHOSTS: Painted emblems...
RUTHVEN: Gaunt vision, who art thou?
RODERIC: I am the spectre of the late Sir Roderic Murgatroyd,
come to warn you that you cannot avoid your destiny!
RUTHVEN: This is about my not marrying Rose, isn't it?
RODERIC: What? No, we don't care about that. (Matter of fact,
we all kind of figured you were gay.) No, listen well, young Ruthven,
for what you hear will chill the marrow in your bones and make your
blood run cold in your veins!
RUTHVEN: You're not going to sing, are you?
RODERIC: Ruthven, commit a crime!
RUTHVEN: Alright.
Adam, commit a crime!
ADAM; Alright.
DESPARD: Ruthven, don't commit a crime!
RUTHVEN: Alright.
Adam, don't...
ADAM: I've carried off a maiden!
RUTHVEN: Shit.
HANNAH: [attacking RUTHVEN] Raaah!
RODERIC: [grabs HANNAH] Gotcha!
HANNAH: Phwoar!
RUTHVEN: Some bollocks about suicide!
ALL: Hurrah!
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[The hornpipe music begins again, and BARITONE, SOPRANO and ALTO dance the first two bars.]
TENOR: Stop! Stop right now! Now, I want to make this perfectly
clear: whatever the next opera is, there is to be no hornpiping in it!
Understand? Alright, what's next?
BARITONE, SOPRANO and ALTO: [handing him the binder] PINAFORE!
[The next two bars are danced.]
TENOR: [throws the binder away and grabs the next] TRIAL BY JURY
[The next two bars are danced.]
TENOR: [throws the binder away and grabs the next] PIRATES
[The next two bars are danced.]
TENOR: No! There was no hornpipe in Pirates!
BARITONE: [mutters something about "ship"]
TENOR: There's a ship in it, yes, but there's no hornpipe!
BARITONE: [mutters something about "Pete"]
TENOR: Alright, when Pete played the Major-General, there was a
hornpipe in Pirates. But you're not playing the Major-General - I am.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll go and prepare.
[TENOR leaves the room. While he is gone, BARITONE pastes a sheet of
music into the binder. TENOR returns in full Major-General costume,
picks up the binder, and squints at the music confusedly as the
introduction to the Major-General's song turns into the Sailor's
Hornpipe]
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[To the tune of the Sailor's Hornpipe, while BARITONE dances a very silly hornpipe.]
TENOR: I am the very model of a modern Major-General,
I've information vegetable, animal and mineral,
I know the kings of England and I quote the fights historical,
From Marathon to Waterloo in order categorical.
I'm very well acquainted, too, with matters mathematical,
I understand with equations, both the simple and quadratical,
About Binomial Theorem I'm teeming with a lot of news,
With many cheerful facts about the square on the hypotenuse.
I'm very good at integral and differential calculus,
I know the scientific names of beings animalculus,
In short, in matters vegetable, animal and mineral,
I am the very model of a modern Major-General.
-------------------------------------------
[The fire alarm goes off. SOPRANO and ALTO enter wearing fireman's helmets.]
SOPRANO AND ALTO: Fire alarm! Fire alarm!
[They drench TENOR with super soakers.] [and some of the audience - Ed.]
TENOR: Right, well that's Pirates done, then! How long have we got left?
ORCHESTRA: One minute.
TENOR: One minute?! Crap! Right [grabs the remaining
binders and hands them out] Grand Duke, Patience, Iolanthe, Yeomen.
Start singing!
SOPRANO: All at the same time?
TENOR: Yes, it doesn't matter, they're all the same anyway! Let's go!
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THE ONE-MINUTE GENERIC G&S OPERETTA
[To the tune of "A Wandering Minstrel, I" from Mikado]
[To the tune of "Poor wand'ring one" from Pirates]
SOPRANO: Now, here I am,
Shepherdess, plaintiff, and princess.
Maiden supreme,
Fairest you've seen,
Now, here I am.
Just seventeen
(Or forty-three, if you're in Sale),
Why am I here?
It's really quit clear:
[Sound effect of glass breaking]
Gilbert's a dirty old man.
TENOR: It's tenor solo time! Consider this your warning.
(Oh, please don't all start yawning;
The chorus are back in a sec.)
I'm shepherd, farmer, fool; your basic scummy peasant.
My life is not that pleasant,
But still you'll find the women all love me - why?
Because my voice goes so high!
[To the tune of "My eyes are fully open" from Ruddigore]
BARITONE: The baritone is here to give the plot! I am the sorcerer;
I'm jailer, judge, and Pirate King; I'm also Grand Inquisitor.
The audience always cheer when I appear - don't be offended,
They just know that, now I'm here, it means the first act's nearly ended.
You're a prince, and you're an orphan; you're defendant, so be wary.
Your bottom half is mortal and the rest of you is fairy.
If you ask me why my voice is loud and booming, like a trumpet,
It's 'cause I'm the only character who never gets his crumpet.
TENOR: No, he never gets his crumpet.
SOPRANO: No, he never gets his crumpet.
TENOR: No, he never gets his crumpet.
SOPRANO: No, he never gets his crumpet.
ALL: The soprano weds the tenor, and the alto's just a strumpet,
And the baritone's the only one who never gets his crumpet.
[To the tune of "I'm Called Little Buttercup" from Pinafore]
ALTO: Am I in this opera?
Still in this opera?
Really, I'm not sure why.
I don't get the funny lines,
None of the clever rhymes,
Some days I feel I could cry.
The men move the plot along,
She gets the pretty songs,
I just sit here and scowl.
A part like no other,
Based on Gilbert's mother,
The ham is laid on with a trowel.
I wish we'd do Kiss Me Kate,
Something less second-rate,
Then I'd come into my own.
It's Gilbert and Sullivan,
I'm just the hull of an
Ugly old hag or crone.
[To a tune from the finale of Act 1 of Iolanthe:]
SOPRANO: I've got a thing to tell you all, so listen up!
A, T & B: We're listening.
SOPRANO: The pirates all are peers, the peers are fairies now.
A, T & B: Well, there's a thing!
ALTO: I swapped the babies at their birth, so he's my son.
S & B: All hail the king!
ALL: Well, now that that's all sorted out, we can get wed.
The plot twist comes, it saves our lives,
It might seem just a bit contrived,
But now we all get married!
But now we all get married!
But now we all get married!
-----------------------------
[TENOR throws his binder away and grabs the last one]
TENOR: Utopia!
[ORCHESTRA blows his whistle. Diuerse alarums. Gods from heaven,
demons from hell, much ado with turntable, exeunt omnes.]
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