Four Yorkshiremen
Ahh, there's nothing like an old classic – and re-writing the Python "When I were a lad" sketch is certainly a staple of MUGSS
cabarets.... The Pirates 2002 take on it follows....
Written by Carl Fletcher and Liam Edgeley.
Performed by Adam McNeeney (Stitch Bitch), Carl Fletcher (Cast), Dan Ellin (Committee) and Liam Edgeley (Crew).
The scene: Four men sit in a semi-circle holding drinks, and speak in highly exaggerated and variably successful attempts at a Yorkshire accent.
CAST: Ahh, Very passable, this, very passable.
BITCH: Nothing like a good glass of Chateau de Chassilier ay Gessiah?
CREW: You're right there Obediah.
COMMITTEE: Who'd a thought six month ago we'd all be sittin' here drinking Chateau de Chassilier?
CAST: Aye. In them days, we'd a' been glad to have the price of a pint o'beer.
CREW: A pint ' WARM beer.
COMMITTEE: from the SOLEM bar.
BITCH: In a plastic glass 'n all
CREW: We never used to have a glass. We used to have to drink our beer straight out of the drip tray.
COMMITTEE: The best WE could manage was to suck on a damp fresher.
CAST: But you know, we were happy in them days, though we were in MUGSS
COMMITTEE: Aye. BECAUSE we were in MUGSS. My old Dad used to say to me, 'Stage chicks are easy'
CREW: 'E was right. I used to have hundreds of bitches. Of course, the female chorus would have nowt to do with us crew types...
BITCH: Apart from spiky Ric.
<General Murmur of agreement>
CAST: Not that the female chorus wanted owt to do wi' us either... 'Alf of 'em were too busy fawnin' over 't director...
BITCH: And the MD.
COMMITTEE: We used to have meetings in these dinjy little rooms at the students union...
CAST: At least the committee had a room – we used to have to rehearse on the concourse every other week cause some bugger'd forgotten to book owt else.
BITCHES: you were lucky to have the concourse. We used to sew costumes in a corridor
CREW: We used to DREEEAM o' working in a corridor. We used to build set outside wi' snow, driftin' up to six foot and if ickle pete wandered off on his own it took us four weeks to find 'im. Room!
COMMMITEE: Well when I say 'room' it were only a table and 2 chairs in the Rampant Lion, but 't were a room to us.
BITCH: We were barred from the Rampant Lion after Katie offered to pay for a round 'in kind'
COMMITTEE: Well no bugger ever noticed us spending four ours a day in meetings trying to organise the bloody show, tryin' to fend off scaffolding companies threatening to repossess the set if we didn't sacrifice a virgin in their honour...
CAST: And we know how difficult is to find one o' THEM in mugss...
CREW: Of course, there wouldn't have been a set to repossess if we hadn't been spending all our weekends nailin the bastard together wi' our heads.
BITCH: Every weekend?
CREW: Aye. Bank Holidays 'n all.
BITCH: You were lucky! We used to spend 8 hours a day, week in week out, slaving over a hot sewing machine, rationed to five chocolate biscuits an hour, and THEN 't director would come along an change is mind and we'd 'ave to do the whole damn thing over again.
CAST: Luxury! We used to have to rehearse ten hours a day, double on Sundays, and when we got to 't bar the director would ban us from drinking in case we forgot his blocking.
COMMITTEE: Of course WE had it tough. We used to have to get up after the cocktail party at six in the morning, lick Simon's house clean from top to bottom wi' tongues, including ceilings. Then we'd go to committee meetings, where Rowena used to lock us in the room for 5 days at a time and beat us around the 'ead and neck wi' a broken bottle until we all pretended to agree. And then when we got home, Uncle pete would thrash us to sleep wi' 'is willy.
CREW: Right! We used to have to get up at half past six, 4 hours before we stopped drinking and went to bed, Work for 28 hours a day in a stinking fetid arch *and* pay Twinkle £2.50 an hour for the privilege of being there, and when we got to the bar, the director would murder us in cold blood, bury us, and then dance around on our graves singing 'I am a pirate king'
CAST: And you try tellin' that to the MUGSS members of today, and they'll be highly sceptical.
ALL: Cheers!
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