Football
The Football Comentary Parody, performed by Jeremy Davis, Penny Richards, Matt Lees, Ben Robb. (With a cameo from Chris Drayton and a young lady who's name escapes me) First, and thankfully only performance at the Christmas Ball 2000.
Jeremy: Good evening ladies and gentlemen, and welcome back to our coverage of the second act of Yeomen 2001. We have a few minutes before the cast comes back on stage, so lets have a quick recap of the first act from our expert pundits. Penny, your thoughts?
Penny: My overwhelming thought for the first act was that the female chorus have been defensively naieve – there was a terrible incident where lax marking in the wings allowed Drayton to close on an undefended fresher – and at that distance he couldn't help bit score....
Matt: Yes, and I think we can take a look at the replay – ah – and with the reverse angle replay, we can clearly see Drayton's technique....
[As this is said, Mr Drayton can be seen industriously snogging the young lady in question....]
Ben: And looking at the overall tactics for the match I was suprised to see that the violins are playing a 4-4-2 formation tonight.... Particularly as the rest of the orchestra are playing in 6-8 time.
Jeremy: Quite. As the camera pans round the auditorium we can see a number fo famous faces from the years gone by... Including the 1995 Pirates squad, who are sitting in the royal lighting box. And who can forget their match winning performace from the glory days of G&S? They successfully finished the score a full twelve beats before the Orchestra! There was partying in the streets of Rusholme after that match, I can tell you!
Penny: The transfer market is alive – quite literally alive – with gossip about the potential move of Ben Keith. Informal commentators are saying that he will be signing a new four year deal with South Manchester Amateur Operatic for a record transfer fee – of four pints of lager and a packet of pork scratchings..... Remarkable, considering that MUGSS were paid to take him off the hands of his local G&S society only a few years ago.
Matt: Well Penny, I'm affraid to say that we're having some bad behaviour in the crowd now, as the tension in the Reynold theatre rises. The chanting of "Light Opera's coming home" has died down now, and a more raucus chant of "We hate the drama society" has broken out... Sad...
Ben: Hmmm, but thankfully there's been no repeat of last season's shamefull chanting of "Who's the W***er with the baton?".
All: Quite....
Jeremy: Yes, and I'm looking down at the orchestra now, and they appear to have finished their half time vodka and oranges.... And I think we're about ready to start the second half now.... Yes, and the MD has raised his baton, and we're off!
Penny: And immediatly we're treated to a really classy 1-2 1-2-3-4 between Morely and Lees as they move quickly upstage from the back of the chorus to the center circle.
Matt: I think we can see already that there's been a change of tactics during the break – The director has definitly changed her mind! During the first act we could see that the chorus were using the classic "heel toe" step, but they appear to have changed to a more complex front-together-side-together patter – and it's causing some confusion amongst the cast....
Ben: Oh, and Matt while you were talking there's been an inspired substitution by the Altos – They're singing a completely different tune!
Jeremy: Taylor is moving up stage now. She's passed a couple of minor principals, and she's moving towards the spotlights.... She's going for it.... <gets very over excited> Yes yes YES! Go on Taylor! <Throws hands up in horror> Noooooo! The MD has declared Taylor off side! She's upstaged King in the Penalty Aria! What a disaster after that fine run.....
Penny: Towards the back of the stage things are getting a bit out of hand now – theres a bit of argy-bargy in the chorus line..... One of the sopranos appears to have been brought down a semi-tone, but the MD has waved no-foul – obviously he thinks it's just playacting..... But we'll have a few extra seconds of drunken injury time for that....
Matt: Now that's a shame, because that acting has distracted out attention from a fine run up the left wing by the stage manager. He's really displayed some great presence of mind to catch that falling flat. And he's got the crew to form an excelent human cleat to secure it and allow the match to continue.
Ben: The crew really have been the unsung heroes of this match I think Matt – they've made an excellen job of sweeping the stage and marking out the sightlines. And the quality of the flood lighting has been superb....
Jeremy: Yes indeed, but we're nearing the end of this game of two halves.....
Penny: Several shots and a couple of glasses of wine....
Matt: and we've not seen any clear advantage develop yet. But there is some interesting choreography going on down there. Ohhh! And the MD is going to have to give a pentaly kick-line here, the front row of the chorus have got completely out of time with the music. Terrrible.
Ben: It's at times like this that the chorus will be missing Isabella Barton, who was sadly knocked out before the first round of auditions this year. A shame, after some solid performances in the pre-season friendlies.
Jeremy: Ben – I've just been handed tonight's gate by the grounds staff. And it's an all time low I'm affraid, 35 people and a rather old dog. A far cry from the legendary days of Jim Callin as ticket manager.....
Penny: So as the MD looks at his watch, the principals are lining up for one final movement. They're giving it everything now, pushing the tempo faster and faster – to finish the score, but....
Matt: Some of the chorus are in the bar....
Ben: They think it's all over....
All: It is now!
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